Bass player and Drummers: No one is innocent

Bass player and Drummers: No one is innocent
Tue, Aug 5, 2008 • 04:17 PM UTC - By bjorn

I have just learned that the ministry of culture has issued the following:

Penalties for Bass Infractions

NAME OF OFFENDER (Bass Player)______________________

DATE___________________________

INFRACTION

MUSICAL OFFENSES
Paying loudly during warm up - $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping - $25
Loud cursing after mistake - $10
Playing high and fast after mistake - $20
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes - $20
Asking for "E" tuning note - $25
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb - $50
Playing written-out walking line - $50
Failure to play written walking line - $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
Writing beat numbers under dotted figures - $50
Playing eighth notes - $5 each
Playing sixteenth notes - $10 each
Playing above 1st octave - immediate dismissal
Dragging fast tempo - $75
Dragging ballad tempo - $100
Blacking out during ballad - $200
Ignoring drummer's tempo - $100
Following drummer's tempo - $250
Asking to borrow Real Book for "All of Me" - $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS
Showing up before first downbeat - $25
Playing audibly - $25
Faking changes - $25
Slapping - $150
Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass - $25
Excessive sweating - $25
Pedal point double-stops during horn solo - $50
Asking leader for a solo - $30
Accepting solo when offered - $50
Taking second chorus - $100
Playing solo arco - $400
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune- $100
Playing "A Train" ending on every tune - $200
Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune - $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS
Checking hair between tunes - $15
Experimenting with odd meters - $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill - $25
Playing with a pick - $50
Tuning during ballad - $30
Playing Jaco groove on samba - $75
Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad - $150
Attempting last word on final chord - $50
Achieving last word on final chord - $100
Long gliss down to final note - $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
Forgetting strap - $10
Changing strings after every set - $15
Using electric tuner - $15
Setting up mic "just in case" - $75
Forgetting to turn amp on - $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip - $50
Asking horn player for help moving amp - $25
Bringing custom-made bass - $100 per string above 4
Bringing more than 1 bass - $100 per extra bass
Skull decals on bass - $150
Bringing fretless bass - $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
Telling bone player about all the gigs you get - $10
Asking bone player about their day gig - $10
Sitting behind drums on break - $10
Quoting "Birdland" - $25
Practicing scales during break - $25
Practicing scales during drum solo - $50
Practicing - $150
Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." - $50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" - $100

BASIC STUPIDITY
Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt - $10
Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt - $20
Asking when the rock set starts - $20
Continually asking "where are we?" - $25
Continually shouting "Yeah!" - $25
Asking bone player where "1" is - $50
Taking cell phone call during 4's - $100

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DRUMMER OFFENSES

NAME OF DRUMMER: __________________________________

DRUMMERS REAL NAME: _______________________________
(other than "sticks", "backbeat", "snake", "drowned-out" ... etc.)

DATE OF OFFENSE(S): _____ / _____ / _______

Setup / Equipment Offenses:

[1] Brings a 36" bass drum........................................$25.
[2] Has more than one bass drum...................................$100.
[3] Brings a 10" deep snare (for a solid back beat) ..............$50.
[4] Brings more than 2 mounted toms ..............................$25.
[5] Has a tubular chrome bar that holds all his mounted toms .....$50.
[6] Brings more than one floor tom................................$25.
[7] Brings more than one crash cymbal ............................$25.
[8] Doesn't bring a ride cymbal...................................$250.
[9] Brings a 46" Chinese gong (for big endings)...................$75.
[10] Brings two timpani (for really big endings)..................$100.
[11] Doesn't bring any brushes....................................$300.
[12] Has a hi-hat that is welded shut.............................$250.
[13] Asks leader where he can plug in his headphones .............$200.
[14] Wears old black Nike sneakers on tux gig.....................$50.
[15] Tunes snare drum during the benediction......................$175.

Playing Offenses:

[1] Plays eighth note rock ballad style on "Stardust".............$150.
[2] Pretends to read chart with big band..........................$25.
[3] Actually reads drum part for big band (note for note).........$200.
[4] Asks bass player "Where are we?" on "Happy Birthday"..........$100.
[5] Plays disco beat on "A Train".................................$200.
[6] Takes fours on "The Bride Cuts the Cake"......................$100.
[7] Takes a break when the leader says "A request for Take 5".....$25.
[8] Actually tries to play on "Take 5"............................$150.
[9] Asks leader what brushes are..................................$250.
[10] Plays breaks in "Cute" with sticks.............................$50.
[11] Plays breaks in "Cute" on timpani............................$100.
[12] Plays breaks in "Cute" on Chinese gong.......................$250.

Other Miscellaneous Offenses:

[1] Mentions to host that "DJs are the wave of the future.........$100.
[2] Is first in line at the party's buffet........................$50.
[3] Asks where the "go away bags" are at the buffet line..........$100.
[4] Asks the bartender for 3 "Purple Shooters"....................$50.
[5] Says to the bride "You've got a nice set of hooters"..........$25.
[6] Says to the brides mother "Hey this is a f#%*in' good party"..$150.
[7] Is ten minutes late for the next set..........................$25.
[8] Is twenty minutes late for the next set.......................$10.
[9] Never shows up for the next set...............................$1.

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Comments

Sid on Tue, Aug 5, 2008 @ 06:45 PM UTC

LOL, I'm guilty!!! Since I used to play drums as well, I've also violated some of the drum rules. In order to pay I'll have to sell everything I own. To my children, please forgive me, you'll learn to like the people you've been sold to. Off to the poor house...

billy on Tue, Aug 5, 2008 @ 08:34 PM UTC

LOL is right.. and I mistakenly thought Swedes were incapable of this level of humor.. You are now an honorary New Englander, whether you like it or not. That was alot of work..had some extra time on yer hands eh?

bjorn on Wed, Aug 6, 2008 @ 02:29 PM UTC

I am Swedish. I do not have a sense of humor that I am aware of. I do, however, like Sid, plead guilty to the majority of the bass offenses.

Rock On

B

ScottNethery on Wed, Aug 6, 2008 @ 08:25 PM UTC

Man, I would be in the hole for at least $750.

Quadri on Fri, Aug 8, 2008 @ 07:50 AM UTC

I'm guilty... I'm guilty !!

:-)

billy on Sat, Aug 9, 2008 @ 08:27 AM UTC

What about guitarists? Or are the offenses too numerous to list.. Just a flat $1000 fine covers everyone?

tekpihan on Mon, Aug 11, 2008 @ 12:45 PM UTC

HAHAHA

ericlives on Tue, Nov 18, 2008 @ 12:07 PM UTC

ho ho ho hahaha lol I'm an offender...

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